The Raging Nathans: A Lesson in Names

Local emo band The Raging Nathans will soon be changing their name to better reflect who they are as people and the message they are trying to send. I recently ran into womanizing mall-punk golden boy Josh Goldman (also 1/10^th of Rad Inc.) as he left his Zumba class. I tried to keep the forced discussion short due to his rotten stench: a mix of falafel festering in three days of self-pity. Through this, I was able to gain some seriously important info.

Though I didn't even want to say hello, Josh went into a drunken 15 minute incoherent ramble about his current state of affairs. Which, let me tell you, is sooo fucking interesting. He began by talking about how he had been listening to Fall Out Boy's Folie A Deux and fell back in love with Pete Wentz's "tell it like it is" style of writing music. He realized that he too needed to be more honest in his songwriting, down to every excruciating detail. As if writing short, shitty songs about any girl that ever gave him one second of her time wasn't enough.

While the term "Raging Nathans" is nothing more than a stupid penis joke, their music is much, much more than that. In fact, many of his lyrics come from deep conversations he overheard while eavesdropping on his sixteen year old sister's phone conversations. He noted that, "it is quite difficult to explain what a Raging Nathan is when talking to my Bubbie and Zadie". We think that the real joke about their name is the fact that Mr. Goldman can’t even get, let alone maintain an erection, which, according to his psychiatrist, either stems from his repressed mommy issues or self-esteem problems. We're guessing both.

Around this time I quit paying attention, although I think that he was saying something about how his band is more "Kasey Kasem" than "120 Minutes" and that Jasper the Colossal have more testosterone and bigger balls than the Raging Nathans could ever hope for. He said they hadn’t chosen a new name, but that we could expect one soon.

The Vishnu Den found bass player and huge fat-ass D. Brown shoveling Domino's Pizza and Mountain Dew into his pie-hole. He had no idea that he was even in the band, although he was aware of and 100% on-board for the name change. I was unable to contact their drummer, Nick Hamby (a slightly heavier version of Strawberry Shortcake’s scientific advisor Plum Puddin').

If you have any interest in being made to feel highly awkward and uncomfortable while getting aurally assaulted by a privileged pretty-boy who cheated his way through a free education, go see them live. These pacifist posers will be performing at Blind Bobs's (big surprise, huh?) this month with the only band in Dayton that has managed to suck for 15 years without going on tour, Legbone.