Kuan: L, M, N, O... WTF?

Kuan is a music act that abhors lyrics even more than they do using time signatures that are danceable.  Too long now they have gone without scrutiny from the VD, but a recent tweet has brought this injustice to our attention.

Kuan was originally started in the early 80's by inventor of the faux hawk, Charles "Chip" Heck, when he hit puberty.  Overwhelmed by the hormonal soup coursing through his viens, he'd often have visions of sheet music that can only be described as nonsensical.  Though he had no understanding of how to read sheet music, he nonetheless began furiously trying to put down on paper the nightmarish audio that continuously scrolled through his mind.  It wasn't long after that fellow classmates Brett Nagafuchi, Paul Larkowski, and Bryan Wright took note of his odd obsession that Heck pursued even during school lunch in the cafeteria.

Larkowski knew how to read sheet music.  He had studied long and hard hoping to one day become a rock star, but had no muse when it came to writing songs.  As Paul looked over the demonic sheet music visions of unorthodox sounds leapt from the page.  Then and there all four swore their devotion  to bringing the songs to life.

The scene in Dayton for decades has failed to take serious note of this band, rocking on low simmer for more than two decades now.  This is largely due to the extended period of time it takes to teach all four members a new letter of the alphabet which substitutes for titles of their "songs."  In fact, the follow up to their release Colors was suddenly put on hold months ago when the band was inundated with criticism from their only fan that they had skipped the letter F.  One rumour had it that the band had omitted the letter due to its notorious usage in a certain curse word.  Another rumour suggested the problem stemmed from Brett Nagafuchi's compulsive habit of mistaking every letter F he saw for an incomplete letter E and "fixing it" with a sharpie.  In actuality Heck stonewalled the release of "F" since it was written about a subject for which he has much regret, his Fairborn tattoo.  Turmoil has erupted amongst the band regarding whether or not to finally release the track.  The strife has even put into jeopardy their performance at this year's Harvest Jam.

Many wonder about the future of the band, but there can be no doubt that as long as there's someone willing to pretend to be more obnoxious than Frank Zappa, then Kuan will continue to be booked at a local venue near you.

The Damned Music Fest '09: Part One

This was my first Dayton Music Fest. It was probably my last too. I have only half-drunken tales of what previous fests were like. It appears that this year there were more bands actually from Dayton than in previous years. This had me excited to soak up the sound and get really immersed in the DMF for material for my first vishnu den post. Humbly I submit to you, the VD reader, the first of a four part piece on the ill-fated Damned Music Fest.

My night started at the DDC. As a new writer for the VD, I worried all day whether the low turnout at this first venue might increase the chances of me being identified for reviewing what I witnessed there. After careful thought I decided the risk is worth the chance to slam XL427. There's a reason this band has an uninspired name that evokes thoughts of newly identified astronomical bodies. They belong in the deep cold of space and you have to hope they never come close to the third planet in our solar system. Alas their trajectory brought them to a collision with the only all-ages venue for DMF, the Dayton Dirt Collective.

XL427 attempts to project the idea that they perform sincere songs that Christian rockers, rape babies, and drunks who love indie pop could never find accessible. Sadly they are mistaken. My freshly drunken ears had more access to their sound than was necessary. The band's lineup sounds promising, yet only manages to meld the horror that is Reustchle with the discarded scraps of Shrug's sound. Standing there listening to their tedious noise rapidly killing my buzz, I could only shudder at the thought that none of the other venues would begin rocking for another hour.

I will commend the DDC for finally beginning to assemble the basics of what anyone who'd start running a venue would find mandatory. A sound system which isn't in immediate need of solder and duct tape, a stage, and some non-fascist discipline. It's been over a year dirtbags. Even "C.H." Phil could get a hold of some shitty monitors faster than this.

My mind wandered much during the first band's set. I have no idea how long they played as my mind became trapped in a memory-compartmentalizing coma. Eventually I was brought back to by the sound of one dirtbag clapping. The break in the noise was quite welcome, but Kris N. was quickly ready to try and get some feet tapping to that oh-so-unnecessary Poptek sound instead of feet tapping in impatient exasperation. He did disappoint. Usually I can forgive a shitty first song. Performing can be nerve wracking, and the audience should at least try to give performers a chance to warm up and rock out. The dirt space, however, is already a echo-y shit box. Thanks for pouring on enough reverb to make me consider the money-making opportunity it could be to invest in companies that manufacture migraine medicine. I walked before he could torture me with a second song.

As I left the DMF poster caught my eye. I had to laugh as hard as I did the first time I saw it. Really it should have been an indication to everyone of what this year's DMF would be like. The art is a map of North Dayton with a legend that includes the list of venues each with a corresponding letter code. I imagine the designer was supposed to pick a mapped section of Dayton so they could indicate where each venue is using the corresponding code in the legend. If that was the case, they should have at least listed the bands over the map to hide that fact.

Next: On to the C{Space!

The Raging Nathans: A Lesson in Names

Local emo band The Raging Nathans will soon be changing their name to better reflect who they are as people and the message they are trying to send. I recently ran into womanizing mall-punk golden boy Josh Goldman (also 1/10^th of Rad Inc.) as he left his Zumba class. I tried to keep the forced discussion short due to his rotten stench: a mix of falafel festering in three days of self-pity. Through this, I was able to gain some seriously important info.

Though I didn't even want to say hello, Josh went into a drunken 15 minute incoherent ramble about his current state of affairs. Which, let me tell you, is sooo fucking interesting. He began by talking about how he had been listening to Fall Out Boy's Folie A Deux and fell back in love with Pete Wentz's "tell it like it is" style of writing music. He realized that he too needed to be more honest in his songwriting, down to every excruciating detail. As if writing short, shitty songs about any girl that ever gave him one second of her time wasn't enough.

While the term "Raging Nathans" is nothing more than a stupid penis joke, their music is much, much more than that. In fact, many of his lyrics come from deep conversations he overheard while eavesdropping on his sixteen year old sister's phone conversations. He noted that, "it is quite difficult to explain what a Raging Nathan is when talking to my Bubbie and Zadie". We think that the real joke about their name is the fact that Mr. Goldman can’t even get, let alone maintain an erection, which, according to his psychiatrist, either stems from his repressed mommy issues or self-esteem problems. We're guessing both.

Around this time I quit paying attention, although I think that he was saying something about how his band is more "Kasey Kasem" than "120 Minutes" and that Jasper the Colossal have more testosterone and bigger balls than the Raging Nathans could ever hope for. He said they hadn’t chosen a new name, but that we could expect one soon.

The Vishnu Den found bass player and huge fat-ass D. Brown shoveling Domino's Pizza and Mountain Dew into his pie-hole. He had no idea that he was even in the band, although he was aware of and 100% on-board for the name change. I was unable to contact their drummer, Nick Hamby (a slightly heavier version of Strawberry Shortcake’s scientific advisor Plum Puddin').

If you have any interest in being made to feel highly awkward and uncomfortable while getting aurally assaulted by a privileged pretty-boy who cheated his way through a free education, go see them live. These pacifist posers will be performing at Blind Bobs's (big surprise, huh?) this month with the only band in Dayton that has managed to suck for 15 years without going on tour, Legbone.

Fucking Awesome Promoter/DJ Saving Dayton Scene One Tribute Show at a Time

We recently caught up with the self-proclaimed "badass of tribute shows" Louis "DJ MisterKid" Wood Jr. He was anxious to promote his upcoming Clash tribute show at Canal Street South Park Tavern. We were just anxious.

VD: Louie, a lot of people accuse you of putting on shows based on unoriginal content.

LW: That's bullshit. I keep it real. If you'd done your research you would've read my myspace blog about exactly this kinda shit.

VD: By putting on this tribute show, do you feel you will be exposing local show-goers to something new.

LW: Yes, I do. At the end of the day, mostly what I do is make people realize that I am the most capable of helping the music scene in Dayton. Have you heard what these bands are playing when they're not doing one of my tribute shows? Sad really.

VD: Your tribute shows have been primarily held at the DDC show space. But we've noticed you've been moving away from that. Why?

LW: You know, I've been carrying the dirt space for awhile now. They shunned me and now that I'm shopping for other venues for my tribute shows, they are floundering.

VD: So was Canal Street your first choice, or just the first venue to say yes to this particular show?

LW: Well, I chose Canal Street because, like I said, I keep it real. I'm looking to make this the most hip in Dayton show history. The kind of show where only like four people show up, but over 300 people constantly are claiming to have been at the show. I only wish I had waited to pick the venue until after you guys had started your shittiest venue poll. I really underestimated the negative sentiment surrounding the O.E. and Trolley Stop.

VD: Louie, you really want only four people two show up?

LW: Absolutely. I may stop people at the door. I am hand-drawing the four pre-sale tickets! I realize that a fuck-ton of people will be reading this post and the scene awareness of this show will reach a sort of critical mass. I realize that, and I was initially worried that I'd be risking a lot by doing this interview what with your rapid ascension to most read Dayton scene blog ever. But people in the scene really hate what you guys are doing. I'm confident any show you appear to be promoting can't possibly do well. Also I have been careful to only book bands that are playing out locally way too much anyway. I am counting on people saying to themselves, "I will make it to their next show this Thursday,", "I just caught them at South Park yesterday," or, "Well, I would go, but I heard Zachery Allen Starkey is gonna be there."

Turkish Delights Do Anything But

I got tricked into seeing The Turkish Delights play once because I thought there were going to be Camel representatives there, you know, like one of those promotional deals. Upon arriving at the show, I realized that I was thinking about "Turkish Royals" and immediately kicked myself for coming out the house. Since it was too late at that point to turn back, I did not struggle while being dragged into the venue.

I was feeling pretty nervous because I realized that the name of this band was or could be a reference to a CS Lewis book. This made me worry that these guys could be a bunch of emo pseudo-metal , christian-rockers. I could deal with no cigarettes but not a dull Creed cover-band prayer circle. I was beginning to get anxiety. The only thing that I could think about at that point was how an actual Turkish Delight tasted. I mean, have you ever eaten a Turkish Delight? They look good, sure, but they taste like...well, shit. Like a big shit sandwich. Which, in a wrenching twist of irony, is also the name of a Turkish Delight EP.

The show began and the lights were lowered and the 65,000 people that had come to witness the forthcoming, crushing display of mediocrity took their places. As the guy with the acoustic guitar started screeching; as the crescendo of the drums became a vicious blur, and as the bass player really didn't do much that i can remember; I needed a drink. After suffering through the rest of the set, and watching the crowd slowly dissipate song by song, I remember asking myself what kind of narcissist would walk around wearing a hat with his own name printed on it. Maybe he wants to look in the mirror after his band wins the Dayton Band Playoffs, after he finally makes it, so he can bask in his conspicuously bad reflection with it on.

Due to the fact that my suspicions had been all proved true (except for the Turkish Delights being good-looking), I exited the establishment. I promised myself that the next time I needed cigarettes or shitty tasting chocolate, I would just go to the gas station.

Astro Fang Sued By Nintendo Characters' Union

On August 12th, the Nintendo Characters' Union filed a lawsuit against local band Astro Fang for slander and unlawful use of the title of Nintendo's lamest game, Astro Fang Super Machine. The announcement was made during a press conference at the Toad Town Convention Center in the Mushroom Kingdom. During the press conference, Solid Snake, union president, read the following message:

“Since Astro Fang's inception deep within the bowels of Bowser's Castle, in the heart of the Koopa Kingdom, they have done nothing but slander the good reputation of many of our finest Nintendo characters. Not only do they profit off of our names and representations, they make terrible music."

"River, the owner and driver of the original Astrofang Super Machine, a man we still speak of today, has seen his reputation and that of his beautiful Super Machine reduced to little more than the self indulgent music of a group of drunk talentless fucktards. Fucktards, mind you, who have not even offered to pay royalties to River, a man who is on his last life."

Harvey Birdman, the union's lawyer, believes that the union has a strong case. He stated, "Though what they're doing is technically slander, we're moving forward with a libel case because that will greatly reduce my need to prove special damages. I mean come on, my workload is cartoonish as it is."

VD was able to contact band guitarist and dude savant, Brian Saunders, who was incredulous at the news and had this to say. "You'd think that they [Nintendo] would go after Yakuza Heart Attack way before us," with bandmate Christian adding,"I mean they are literally stealing their sound!"

In a written affidavit, Mario stated “It’sa me, Mario!" adding, "I heard the song 'Tanooki Suit' on Astro Fang's MySpace page. They take a beautiful suit of awesome power, made by the Mushroom Kingdom's most amazing tailor, and they turn it into nothing but worthless koopa junk. It hurt my heart to hear such a beautiful thing represented in such a terrible way. Astro Fang should be banished to the Dry, Dry Desert”.

In related news, local band 8-bit Revival has secured their own legal representation in anticipation of potential litigation.

Who is Queen of the Dayton scene?

Just in time for the run-up to Ladyfest, the VD is pleased to bring you its newest poll: Who is Queen of the Dayton scene. While we were disappointed with the slow trickle of nominees, we think you will find someone vote-worthy on the list we have assembled.

Jenny Mac - Everyone knows her and why she's up here.
Noelle - Matron saint of State School and perhaps the most perceptive VD reader.
Sarah Stephens - This socialite of scene royalty just keeps on trucking. Anywhere you see her you can be sure her jester sidekick isn't far behind.
Ganelle - A punk princess that's capable of making you piss your pants. We mean this in a bad way.
Katie Anible - Not sure why her name was submitted, unless the unconfirmed reports that she's a cannibal are true.
Shae - High Lordess of inebriation, she will make you question your masculinity, even as you maintain a constant erection, when she drinks you under the table.
Mary Kathryn - No scene Queen poll would be complete without the ever-promoting cocktail Countess, Mary Kathryn.
Heather Redman - VD knows little of this Duchess of disc jockeys except that she knows more about the scene's history and aristocracy than all four of our writers.

So, there they are. Are we missing some key nominees? Sure. But that's why you can vote for other. Take a moment to indicate which lady is the reason the scene boys still get out of bed. Or for some why they stay in bed. Ha!

M.O.T.A, Sunstorm Call it Quits; Harlots Trudge On

At what may be one of the best shows in Dayton this week, two local bands will be saying goodbye forever. Another band, however, will give testament to their own perseverance and dedication. While much weaker Dayton bands Mouth of the Architect and By Way of Sunstorm are giving up music altogether, Harlots will stay committed to their un-unique brand of derivative prog metal.

"All these other bands are sort of giving up, you know?" singer Christian Fillippo told VD. "But Harlots, man we just want to keep on playing." The band will be doing just that this Saturday at Blind Bob's in the Oregon District. Fillippo says fans will surely get a taste of the band's upcoming material at the show. "We are about to go into the studio to record a new record. We're hoping that'll be what finally gets us signed to Relapse Records, which is what we've wanted this whole time."

As for the lesser bands, [former -e.d.] M.O.T.A. bassist Kevin Shindle told VD, "It's all about the influences. Harlots have been ripping off Neurosis for years now. By Way of Sunstorm and us, we do too, but Harlots also copy Dillinger Escape Plan, which will make them even more appealing to Relapse. We figured we might as well just say 'Fuck it.'"

By Way of Sunstorm frontman and reigning king of Dayton hipsters Brandon Hawk had this to say: "Harlots just have something in them that M.O.T.A and Sunstorm will never have: grind parts. Otherwise all three of our bands would sound exactly the same. In Sunstorm's case, our drummer can't play blast beats, so we just can't compete."

"We know that there are bands that sound identical to ours all over the country," said Fillippo, "and that's just one more reason to keep playing."

Hometown stinksters Hooker Spit Windex will also be playing the show, along with Footbinder, a band so pretentious and antisocial they don't even have lyrics.

Nick "Nightbeast" Testa urged to throw in towel by VD readers

With 27% of the 85 votes, Nightbeast has secured his position as the Dayton music act that needs to hang up its spurs. Having entertained dozens of Americans solely on the weight of a song pertaining to ursine bestiality and an expensive and unsuccessful ad campaign on the now defunct music channel Fuse, you readers have decided that you've had it up to here. It remains to be seen if the damage done by Nightbeast to Dayton's musical reputation will be reversible.






Voted in as other: mascot (2 votes), The Great American Beast, Rad Company, Sitandance, Astro Fang, The Turkish Delights, and Human Reunion.

Polyamorous Pistol Whips to Appear on Hedonistic ABC Show "Wife Swap"

Thee Pistol Whips, not to be confused with The Pistol Whips, have recently signed a contract with the ABC network to appear on an episode of the popular show "Wife Swap". Unfortunately for Thee Pistol Whips, due to the graphic content of the episode, it will never air.

Ambiguous pleasure-seeker and guitar player extraordinaire, GT aka Lightning Greg, was initially excited about the opportunity to covet another man's wife until he realized that no sex would be involved. He also didn't realize that the contract stated that while only Lightning Greg was to be involved in the Wife Swap, the rest of Thee Pistol Whips were obligated to do Production Assistant work, this time only figuratively fucking the other members of his band.

"Lightning Greg" recorded his audition tape with "The Tigress", over a home-video poolside orgy shot deep in East Dayton, and sent it in to ABC. At the end of the tape, the Drummer, also named Greg, appropriately also known as Mr. Heavy, can be seen beating off sorrowfully in the corner. Executives were enamored by Lightning Greg's enthusiasm to swap wives and The Tigress' organ playing abilities. They were not however, impressed by Mr. Heavy's pitiful display of melancholy masturbation. Producers for the show thought that Lightning Greg would make a perfect candidate when they realized that their prepubescent daughters could grow thicker mustaches than he could.

Lightning Greg was contacted by ABC and after a lengthy explanation of the reason for using the word "Thee" instead of "the" at the beginning of the band name, Lightning Greg was scolded for pluralizing the word "whips" and using the word "thee" incorrectly to describe a singular person or thing, especially since there is no vowel sound after it. Finally, an offer was made and a deal was reached.

Not all members of the band were as enthusiastic as Lightning Greg was about doing the show. They agreed to do it because "GT was running out of people to have sex with and we didn't want him getting drunk and hitting on his sister" said bass-player Rattle Snake Shake. The instrument-wielding debauchees were unwavering and sorely aggravated when they found out they would be serving coffee and cleaning up after Lightning Greg and his new wife's mess. Fortunately for them, it didn't take long for the poor woman who was assigned to Lightning Greg to run out in disgust after having to adhere to his unchaste lifestyle rules. It was only a few hours before Lightning Greg apparently tried to swap his new wife for somebody else's.

You can catch Thee Pistol Whips performing at Lady Fest where they will be trying to raise funds to reopen the Dayton Swim Club.