Public will not have to stomach third benefit show.
Noted local John Gassett was exenterated yesterday around 4PM on the 400 block of E. Fifth Street in a gruesome attack by members of the sludge band Mouth of the Architect. According to witnesses, Gassett came into the 5th Street Deli to ask employee and M.O.T.A. keyboard player Jason Watkins if he could hang a flyer for his most recent benefit show. Watkins did not initially have a problem with the request. Until, that is, he noticed his own band's name on the flyer.
Promotional sticker for ill-fated event.
"Apparantly, no member of Mouth of the Architect had been asked if the band would play the show," stated police officer Jack Arnold at a press conference. "This set Watkins and drummer Dave Mann, who had been standing at the counter drinking coffee, into a blinding rage."
"Mann then threw his scalding hot coffee into Gassett's face," said the officer. "Meanwhile, Watkins jumped over the counter and just starting pounding on him. Horrified onlookers continued eating their sandwiches. Watkins reportedly asked the victim what cause the proceeds of the show would benefit, to which Gassett responded, 'I need money for more weed.'"
While Watkins continued to pummel Gassett, witnesses tell us that Mann broke a wine bottle over a nearby tabletop and drove the jagged weapon into the victim's stomach. The vicious Mann then scooped out much of Gassett's digestive tract, which Watkins is reported to have eaten. Authorities arrived minutes later, apprehending the suspects.
While the other members of Mouth of the Architect declined to comment, 5th Street Deli owner Robert Strong assured customers that there will be "a little bit of John Gassett" in the falafel for months to come.
Noted local John Gassett was exenterated yesterday around 4PM on the 400 block of E. Fifth Street in a gruesome attack by members of the sludge band Mouth of the Architect. According to witnesses, Gassett came into the 5th Street Deli to ask employee and M.O.T.A. keyboard player Jason Watkins if he could hang a flyer for his most recent benefit show. Watkins did not initially have a problem with the request. Until, that is, he noticed his own band's name on the flyer.
Promotional sticker for ill-fated event.
"Apparantly, no member of Mouth of the Architect had been asked if the band would play the show," stated police officer Jack Arnold at a press conference. "This set Watkins and drummer Dave Mann, who had been standing at the counter drinking coffee, into a blinding rage."
"Mann then threw his scalding hot coffee into Gassett's face," said the officer. "Meanwhile, Watkins jumped over the counter and just starting pounding on him. Horrified onlookers continued eating their sandwiches. Watkins reportedly asked the victim what cause the proceeds of the show would benefit, to which Gassett responded, 'I need money for more weed.'"
While Watkins continued to pummel Gassett, witnesses tell us that Mann broke a wine bottle over a nearby tabletop and drove the jagged weapon into the victim's stomach. The vicious Mann then scooped out much of Gassett's digestive tract, which Watkins is reported to have eaten. Authorities arrived minutes later, apprehending the suspects.
While the other members of Mouth of the Architect declined to comment, 5th Street Deli owner Robert Strong assured customers that there will be "a little bit of John Gassett" in the falafel for months to come.
this is a lie
ReplyDeleteI totally have Gassett guts stuck in my teeth
ReplyDelete