Friday, June 22, 2012

Let the Ladies Have a Turn

As a female correspondent for The Vishnu Den I am offended by the recent explosion of stories that have been anti-lady. I knew that the male dirty hipsters of Dayton were bi-curious but I had no idea they were going to come out so suddenly and all at once. It is a travesty to lose so many good, but rancid smelling  dicks. I used to love the guys at Blind Bob’s and Century because when we would sneak off at  the end of the night back to one of their homes, they would let me wear my strap on. There is nothing more pleasurable then doing a tattooed drunk dude from behind as he reads comic books and cries out in great pleasurable pain.

Now, those times are over ladies! It seems they all want to stop living their lies and start strapping into each other.

I have nothing against gay people. My uncle is gay and he is the coolest person in my family. My favorite server at Thai 9 is gay. Plus my old volleyball coach was a lesbo that could spike the ball to perfection. I don’t want people to think I am homophobic. I am totally cool with gay people. I just am mad that there are so many of them now, especially the dirty ol boys that I used to let inside me.

I just hate, with a passion that Christ couldn’t fathom, gays that call us girls sluts. These guys are drinking PBRs till they puke, then using that puke as a lube to fish inside each other’s ravines. This is total hypocrisy.  PBR does not stand for Pretty Boy Rectum.  

Why can’t you guys stop fooling around with each other and let us ladies have a turn too. We can’t be sluts if we aren’t having sex, right?! So dear dirty hipster boys, please stop leaving the bars together and start taking us ladies home instead. Yes, we might not be able to keep you hard as long as your band mates can and we might run the risk of getting pregnant- but at least we are a natural solution to your irrational delusions.

So- if any of you tatted guys want to hop back into the straight saddle, I, Tammy Pax, am willing to take you back.  I am willing to say that 90% of the women are too. All you need to do is apologize for your hatemongering toward the females and admit that you are sluts for male butts, then we can screw. You know you miss our parts, and we miss yours.

Now, lets hope Bobs and Century can stop trying to be like Masque. The day Blind Bob agrees to have a foam party is the day I give up bartending Downtown and move to Portland where all the other dirty hipster gay guys run off to.

Guys, please fall back in love with our vaginas. 

17 comments:

  1. I need to start hanging out at Century berr

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  2. I take it back. This is funny. Fuck Portland, I'm moving back to Dayton!

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    1. I did not write this. I am really staying in Portland to dye my hair.

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  3. Now, I'm not homophobic or anything, but here's me spewing out a homophobic rant. Do you really think it's funny to insinuate that dudes are misogynists because they're secretly gay? Y'all suck.

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    1. It seems you do not know how to laugh. This was funny dude!

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    2. i mean, hey, my gay uncle thought it was funny, too.

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  4. Those guys in that first picture aren't even playing the same game system. Fuck hipsters!

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    1. You're dumb. They're both playing on the Wii. Probably Smash Bros...One using a Wii Classic controller and the other is using a GameCube controller.

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    2. No you are dumb. I bet you try to suck your own dick but can't. No one else will suck it either. Lose some weight fat ass and you might be able to get the head in you mouth.

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  5. Replies
    1. Only if you agree to my terms of apology that I stated in my article. Thats it! After that you can butter my pancake folds all day long.

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  6. I'm pretty sure that's Brandon Hawk with the Gamecube controller.

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  7. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7A-Km9zvFao

    I feel like I'm Joel Murray and the majority of the writers for Vishnuden are the shithead in this clip.

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  8. Please don't be butt hurt or I guess not butt hurt like u seem to want. Guys that love seeing each others dicks while drunk aren't gay. We just dont care enough about your stinky puss' to make it worth the time. Homo for life bishes!

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  9. Please don't be butt hurt or I guess not butt hurt like u seem to want. Guys that love seeing each others dicks while drunk aren't gay. We just dont care enough about your stinky puss' to make it worth the time. Homo for life bishes!

    ReplyDelete